Swaying

Like a pendulum - thats my emotions at this point in time. One minute I am confident in my abilities, the next I am nervous as hell and doubting every square inch of myself inside and out. I have even found myself getting all choked up just thinking about the day. At random times too I might add. In the supermarket, driving the car, having a shower, typing this post. It's when I least expect it that I feel overcome with emotion.

What makes me tear up? All of it. Being scared more than anything I think. Scared that I won't be able to finish. Scared that even though I have done all my training that I won't be able to do it. Scared that maybe I have bitten off more than I can chew. And I know deep down that I can do this, I just need to keep telling myself that I can - I have just never been good at "feeling confident in myself". I have never been good at "tooting" my own horn, if anything ask my closest friends - I am the one who is always finding things to downplay myself.

I want to feel strong and brave but I don't want to let myself down. I don't want to put expectations on myself only to come crashing down. This whole not knowing business scares me. Atleast when I swim I know my abilities and can say without a shadow of a doubt that I feel confident, but I can't say the same thing about the other two. I think what's getting me is the fear of the unknown.

I guess after this Sunday I will have an answer to the "unknown". Come this Sunday I will have embarked on a dream. I will have made it to the top of the mountain I have been climbing for the last 6mths of training. Come this Sunday my name will be called as I cross that finish line and I WILL not be nervous anymore, I WILL not doubt myself anymore because I will have laid to rest those demons.

Until then - I AM NERVOUS.

Let the countdown begin.

As of this very moment I have 6 days and 14hrs till I participate in the race which I have been training for - for what feels like forever. I really never thought this day would ever arrive. It has almost always felt like a dream - a dream when I signed up 359 days ago that I never thought I would reach. I thought somewhere along the line that something would happen which would prevent me from reaching this goal.

But here I sit - looking back on all of the good times I have encountered, all of the goals I have reached along the way, and the pain and hardship I have encountered and feel nothing short of proud. Proud of me and proud of the fact that I never gave up.

I know I couldn't have reached this all on my own - I have my family and friends to thank for all of your support. Without you all I think I would have struggled. You have kept my head on track and for that I will be eternally grateful.

Tapering has been going wonderfully - really enjoying not doing an awful lot and when I do I am feeling superbly fresh I might add. I have started to place all my stuff in a pile to make sure I have not forgotten anything as we leave to go to Port Macquarie this Wednesday.

And everytime I pass this pile I add another thing to it. And I am sure that 90% of my vehicle will pertain specifically to all of my goods. Lucky we are taking up two cars as we have Mum and my Father in law coming up with us.

This feeling I can hardly put into words. All I can say is that I am excited. VERY EXCITED.

Awesomeness.

Do you ever have days where you don't quite feel worthy? That people's views of you far outweigh how you see yourself? That you feel so humbled by how much friends and family think of you? Well the last 2 days have been that way. It's hard to put into words how loved and special I feel - and my only hope is that I never let anyone down.

Through every step of this magnificent journey I have had each and everyone of you cheering me on and making me feel like I was totally invincible. That no matter what I could and would achieve anything I set my mind to. From doing my first ever Enticer Triathlon just over a year ago to now just days away from reaching a goal I never in my wildest dreams thought attainable - my first ever 70.3.

Six months ago I was struggling to run 2km's and now I can run a full 21km. Twelve months ago I rode one lap of the Regatta Centre and struggled so badly with pain afterwards that I never thought I would reach my goal of my first Enticer and now here I am about to cycle 90km. This whole journey and everyone's enthusiasm and love to see me get as far away from my "old me" has me so driven to be the best I can be on May 1st that I cannot even begin to describe in words.

And when I say to be the "best I can be", it's not to smash any records or be some elite triathlete - we know that's never going to happen - BUT I sure as heck know that for every inch of the way that I will give it my all, and be as proud as punch that I, Barbie, will be as far away from that sick Barbie that she can be. That I will have proved to myself that I can overcome anything.

So with all that being said - look at what my dear friend Elissa had made for me for my birthday. Whilst she was over in the States she signed off on the naming rights and had these shirt made for me. Not just one, but one for every member of my family and herself plus a few more.

How lucky am I? I have my very own special team - all there, wearing my name on a shirt. What's not to love about that? I haven't stopped smiling or wearing my shirt for that matter. I am proud as punch. Thankyou Elissa for being such a dear sweet friend. Love ya lots.

Then today, Kirsten from DM popped over with her gorgeous children. We chatted and chatted and chatted over lunch and a few cuppas. Then Kirsten popped out a present for me. I felt so blessed and touched by how my friends are supporting me through this 70.3 journey. Here is what I got!

Thankyou so very much Kirsten. I think my jaw dropped so far onto the floor I had to reach down and pick it up. Now for all of you who don't know what the initial's WWBD stand for - here is the inside scoop - click here. What a humbling experience it was to know that Kris felt that way. I really couldn't stop crying when I saw this post. To both you Kirsten and Kris - THANKYOU for making me feel so special. I will look at this bracelet and answer that question with "Never give up".

Then this afternoon Mel popped over as well. I thought to drop me off my favourite Nutrimetics Cream, however she too had a wonderful gift for me. Check this little guy out.

My very own Goodluck Buddha.

Thankyou Mel, to know that you will have me in your thought's not just on May 1st but have everyday makes me feel so blessed to have you as a friend. Love ya lots. You have a heart of gold.

With all of you by my side, how can I go wrong May 1st. Even if I come through that chute being the very last competitor I will still have won. Because I had you all cheering me on.

And I am going to have to top typing here, because I can't stop crying. You are all too much.

Sparta Personal Training.

This is my friend Jen. We met close to a year ago on my very first ride out on the Northern Road. I was heading out with Maureen and at our turnaround point I was introduced to both Jen and her hubby Rommel. We connected from the very first moment we met. Jen is just the nicest person, her gentle and calm demeanour are in my eyes why she makes a great personal trainer.

I will let her article tell her story. Sparta Personal Training is the name of her business - remember it - it will go far. Check out her website by clicking on Sparta Personal Training and see all she has to offer.

"I find it amazing how life turns out completely differently from the way you anticipated it would.

At university some 17 years ago (yikes!), I contemplated doing my fitness trainers course so that I could teach ‘aerobics’ (as it was called then) to make some cash. I didn’t end up doing the course at the time. So I find it amazing that now after being a lawyer for 13 years, I seem to have come almost full circle & am now (finally) in the health & fitness industry – where I know I belong J

It was also while I was at uni that I discovered my love of strength training & being in a gym. Despite that, I let the exercise lapse when I finally started working as a lawyer. After a couple of years, I found myself carrying an extra 8kgs. After being relatively lean throughout uni, this didn’t sit too comfortably. So I joined the local gym near the office. Doing weights and using the treadmill & stepper soon led to getting out doors & walking.

Before long, I started running. When I started running, I distinctly remember thinking there was no way I could imagine running for the rest of my life. It seemed too uncomfortable and quite simply, far too hard to persevere with. But somewhere along the way, I discovered a passion for endurance sports like running, triathlons, hiking & mountaineering. And now I can’t imagine not running for the rest of my life.

Having said that, it has been a very rocky road since I started running 6 years ago. It is no exaggeration to say that I have basically been injured, or recovering from an injury, since then. Needless to say, it has been very difficult to watch my friends & family set & achieve their sporting goals in that time. Many many tears have been shed over the years. The experience has been a great lesson in determination, dealing with jealousy & humility. So I understand the disappointment & frustration that comes from being injured and empathise with people who have been unable to achieve things what they want due to injury. This has really become my driving force & main motivating factor behind SPARTA - I do not want anyone else to go through what I have.

So my mission at SPARTA is to help my client’s achieve their dreams & goals by reducing their risk of injury & helping to improve their performance in their chosen sport. I do this by identifying, and then minimising, any issues with their movement which might cause injury and/or reduce their ability to achieve peak performance. I do this in a way that takes into account everything about my client’s - from their goals, lifestyle, personality, posture, strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes and available time so it is a very customised process. Getting this much input from my client’s means that they are as much a part of the training design process as I am.

In the future, I would also expand my practice & work with older adults. I have watched family members suffer from diseases that I know exercise can help to address in some way. And I know of a lot of parents, family & friends of active people who have been inspired to become more active themselves. I think older adults also appreciate the importance of their health more than others.

I love seeing the way people change physically & mentally as they set themselves a goal they don’t always believe they can achieve and then set out to achieve it. It is an extremely gratifying role; what can I say – I honestly love my work.

Jen, I am so glad we are friends. I know your clients will benefit immensely from your knowledge and patience as well as your motivating and gentle personality. You are an asset to the industry and to anyone who has you as their trainer.

Check out her website - articles and interviews galour.

Flippetty Flop.

That's what it feels like when my heart is having it's random moments. And to say that's it's distressing when it happens is an understatement. It really only happens for a few seconds, but it's enough to make me feel breathless and like my heartbeat is about to explode through the base of my neck.

So after Sunday's pathetic attempt at Cobbitty I decided it was time to get this checked. So off to the GP I went and he decided it was time to make me have a stress test as previous ECG's showed nothing at all. So thank goodness for Sarah and her being a cardiac technician and all at the local hospital.

Sarah had me booked in first thing this morning as an outpatient and I couldn't be more grateful for her organising this. She showed me around the ward in which she works and then it was time to get all the leads hooked up to my chest. She is a total natural at her job and you could plainly see that she could do this with her eyes shut. I used to have to count each intercostal space to place leads when I did ECG's - but not Sarah.

She took all the preliminary stuff down - like my pulse and lying/standing blood pressure and then after a bit of waiting around for the resident to arrive it was time to get on the treadmill and start the STRESS test. Having never had one before I was interested to see how this would pan out.

So, basically you start on a small incline at a certain speed and then at the 2minute mark I think, your blood pressure gets taken and then at the 3 min mark the incline goes up as does the speed. And this continues until you either can't anymore or you reach 21mins. I was kind of hoping that something would happen with my heart so I could prove to myself that I wasn't imagining what was happening to me.

And sure enough as my HR got to the mid 140's I started to feel that tell tale breathlessness and then that feeling in my throat. I let Sarah know and sure enough - there it was - a couple of Ectopic beats. Another one happened a few minutes later and then nothing else. It's really funny though because I could feel like it was going to happen before it actually did it's funny thing.

I later found out that I have Ventricular Ectopic Beats - sounds scary but they are benign. According to Mikati 2010 - an ectopic beat is a small variation in the normal heartbeat that gives rise to an irregular pulse and in adults they can be common however should still be investigated.

I think the reason this had me so freaked out is that there is a huge family history of heart disease on both Mum and Dad's side. My Mum had 2 heart attacks at the age of 49 and By-pass surgery by 52.

Anyway, I couldn't be happier that even though I am experiencing some odd sensations in my ticker, that it is ok and I can get on with whatever I want. That I shouldn't fear them, just acknowledge their existence and move on. Halleluiah!!!

Now off to the GP tomorrow for it to be validated and then it's off to 70.3 with a clean bill of health.

TAPER TIME

And boy am I happy. I never thought that it would be so welcomed, but I am embracing it with both arms - like you would a long lost relative. I remember back to my younger days feeling much the same when I used to do swim squads. I was always counting down the days to the 2 weeks before a major meet like Metrops, State or Nationals. I loved dropping the intensity of sessions and having them feel more like short sprints instead of cramming in 2 x 6km swim sessions a day. The resiliency of youth is really a remarkable thing.

I have noticed that the fatigue and tiredness is really starting to play with my mind. I am wondering if I can do this. Have I done all that I can to make sure I pull my first 70.3 off without too many things going wrong. I am starting to question my ability to make it through the bike course especially after today's effort riding through Cobbitty. I know this self doubt is normal, but it feels weird as I never experienced this as a kid.

But with 13 days to go there really is nothing more I can do. From this point on it is trying to recover the body and have it feeling as fresh as I can whilst still trying to maintain some certain level of exercise as well.

I am terribly excited about Port but equally, if not more NERVOUS. The anticipation is at times overwhelming and I just want to it here already. I have been thinking alot about how I am going to get these "NERVES" under control and have started to download relaxation apps to my iPhone. I need to focus now on really relaxing the mind as this taper will give me added time to have my mind go into free fall. I need to start visualising what race day is going to be like, the sights, sounds, feelings, emotions. How I am going to feel and how I will cope if things go slightly wrong on the day. i need to feel these emotions and work through them before the day.

I have got my bike checked in for it's pre-race service for the 21st of April and need to get my Garmin checked as well. It is not even charging so thinking maybe the battery is dead. And as of tomorrow I am writing a checklist of the things I will need so I can start packing or atleast organising for the day. I have am also going to see the GP tomorrow as my palpitations are getting worse - I especially noticed it today when I went for my ride.

It starts as a breathlessness and then a tightness around the chest wall and then I can feel my heart literally pounding but missing beats or adding beats. Hard to explain but the feeling is odd. Not sure if it is electrolyte related, fatigue or what but this needs sorting now. It makes me feel breathless and I hate it. I also feel slightly odd in the head, almost as though I am not all there. So I know this needs further investigations as there is a history of heart disease in my family.

We had a huge night last night so not sure if this aggravated the situation - it was my twins 15th birthday, and they really enjoyed themselves but I did not stop at all. There was about 30 teens at home and even though they were all so well behaved I was just trying to make sure they were all well catered for. Here are my babies:

I can't believe I have 15yr olds.

But look how gorgeous they are - I am a lucky mum. What a great but excessively tiring weekend. I also wanted to post a photo of Sarah and I after our cold, wet but fun ride on Saturday. Do we look like hard core cyclists?

If you think you can't.

Then your obviously not giving yourself enough credit. Martin Luther King said:

"Faith is taking the first step

even when you don't see the whole staircase"

I guess it's all about realising your potential even when you think you have nothing more to give. It's about realising that your journey has only begun from the moment you set your sights on a goal. That beyond every small step you take towards realising your dream there is always a something more you never thought possible/imaginable.

I, never thought I could. I, never thought I had it in me. I, was the first to question my abilities when everyone around me knew better. I, now know better. I know that whenever I say I can't or feel that overwhelming feeling sense of inability that I CAN. I just have to allow myself to do it. I have to let myself be free - free of those negative thought's, free of the old me. I am capable. And last night I proved it to myself.

I was so excited about last night and to this very minute still feel a great sense of accomplishment. More so because I have been struggling a bit with my left hip and ITB, so to have squeezed this out in not the best of conditions definitely has made me realise my potential.

Actual track was closed to us as the local Rugby League club has booked the track so we walked a few hundred metres up the road to a 770m loop that Chris had found in the local neighbourhood. The plan was to do 5 loops with the last one being a TT. And tonight's focus was all on form.

So after a one lap warm up it was time to begin. The first and second 770m I did in 3:38. Even keel in pacing but I think Chris knew I had more in me so the 3rd one he ran with me - keeping my head focused on my form and cadence. So, consequently that 3rd one was at 3:25. Boy, I was puffed. The cold night air was starting to get to my lungs but at the same time my body was boiling.

Number 4 & 5 were both done at 3:32 but the one I am most proud of was Number 6 - the TT.

As I set off down the road I tried to make my cadence fast and light. Tried not to make too much contact with the ground and really tried to pull up using my glutes and hammies, the bits I always forget to use. Heading down the road was fun - a nice steady decline which made it feel so easy. Easy until I hit the incline on the way back up and then it was time to start using the arms. Using them to help propel me onward and upward. I shortened my stride a bit, leant forward and increased my cadence and as I turned the corner for the home stretch I gave it all I had. I didn't want to leave anything in the tank and as a result of just letting myself be free I nailed that last one in a 3:08.

Never, ever in my wildest dreams did I ever think I could run like that. I never allowed myself to realise my dream - but yesterday was my time to shine. I felt GREAT. If this is what I am capable of after 6mths of intense training I am really looking forward to the next year.