Like a pendulum - thats my emotions at this point in time. One minute I am confident in my abilities, the next I am nervous as hell and doubting every square inch of myself inside and out. I have even found myself getting all choked up just thinking about the day. At random times too I might add. In the supermarket, driving the car, having a shower, typing this post. It's when I least expect it that I feel overcome with emotion.
What makes me tear up? All of it. Being scared more than anything I think. Scared that I won't be able to finish. Scared that even though I have done all my training that I won't be able to do it. Scared that maybe I have bitten off more than I can chew. And I know deep down that I can do this, I just need to keep telling myself that I can - I have just never been good at "feeling confident in myself". I have never been good at "tooting" my own horn, if anything ask my closest friends - I am the one who is always finding things to downplay myself.
I want to feel strong and brave but I don't want to let myself down. I don't want to put expectations on myself only to come crashing down. This whole not knowing business scares me. Atleast when I swim I know my abilities and can say without a shadow of a doubt that I feel confident, but I can't say the same thing about the other two. I think what's getting me is the fear of the unknown.
I guess after this Sunday I will have an answer to the "unknown". Come this Sunday I will have embarked on a dream. I will have made it to the top of the mountain I have been climbing for the last 6mths of training. Come this Sunday my name will be called as I cross that finish line and I WILL not be nervous anymore, I WILL not doubt myself anymore because I will have laid to rest those demons.
Until then - I AM NERVOUS.
