Thursday, March 24, 2011

It doesn't feel like it.

When I started writing this blog over a year ago, my aim was to one day have something to look back on and feel proud of. I wanted something to show my children that whatever it was you wanted to achieve you could - all you needed was drive and determination. And above all else to enjoy what it was you were doing.

When I started this blog over a year ago I promised myself that I would be brutally honest about how it was I was feeling every step of the way in the hope that by doing so I would be able to work through it and see clearly. That whatever it was that was masking or clouding my thoughts would be blown away like a cloud on a windy day just by be able to air it in writing.

So I write this post more so to help me through whatever it is that I am going through at the moment. To help me realise that this is merely a small blip on the radar - and that there is nothing to fear. That all my training to this very point will help see me through the fact that getting myself off of this couch is the very hardest thing for me to do at this very moment.

Since yesterday lunch I have had such lethargy that it is hard to put into words. I don't know if I feel sick or if I am coming down with an illness or whether my body has just said STOP. My eyes have felt like they have been on fire for over 24hrs yet there is no temp. My body feels like a bag of Jello but yet heavy with every step. I feel so dehydrated yet I am drinking like a fish. And all I want to do is cry - because I feel like I am so close to achieving my dream but scared that I won't get there.

Is it possible for a human body to feel so high and strong one minute and so low and weak the next? Is it possible to feel invincible and ready to tackle anything that stands in your way and then in the blink of an eye feel frail and ready to curl up in a ball. The rational side of my brain says this is nothing and that all you need is rest and to not take it would be frivolous yet the other side of my brain is scared and hoping I haven't gotten to as far as I can go and this is all I have left.

I really hope not, surely I have more. Just at this moment it doesn't feel like it.

Your hard work will be rewarded.

"The path to a dream is paved with sacrifices and lined with determination. And though it has many stumbling blocks along the way, and may go in more than one direction, it is travelled by belief and courage and conquered with a willingness to face challenges and take chances" Barbara Cage