Yesterday was one of those 'lightbulb over the head' days. Not for any one particular reason but for many small reasons. My brain was just firing random thoughts and funnily enough they were all making huge sense. Some were not good and others were like 'hell yeah' thoughts. So I will try to explain:
- I think that no matter what I do or how much I strengthen my core or how many injections I have, my back will always be an issue. Clearly, these second lot of injections have not worked. I can still feel my nerve upon laying flat on my back or bending over for any period of time. Did I think that I would be free from it all if I stayed really diligent with everything I was told to do? - YES. Do I think that it's not fair that this may just be the cross that I will have to bear? - YES. But upon reassessing my thought's before they spiralled way out of control, I started wondering what makes me so special to think that I should be free from any troubles, ever. People the whole world over have issues and drama's that they have to live with daily, I am not any more special then they are. I just have to accept and make the best of it. Accepting and embracing my condition is not failure, it is being smart. I am expending too much energy constantly fighting this battle and trying to win, maybe learning to show my aches and pains and show that I have my weaknesses is what it is all about. Showing my vulnerabilities to myself is what it's all about.
- I attempted another walk/run yesterday and although I felt good, I am starting to wonder if my attempts at this running thing are futile. I think this is my fourth attempt at trying to master the art of this sport and everytime I do - something happens. Maybe it's all about just trying to hang on - with white knuckle grip to my 70.3 dream and seeing it through and then that's it. I've not known anyone to have as many drama's as me when it comes to running. I mean it would be good if all Tri's were just 2.5km in run distance but they are not. I could stick to doing those but that's not what I enjoy. I enjoy the thrill of pushing myself, to see how far I can get. But am I trying too hard to realise a dream? And at what cost?
- Swimming, has and always will be my strength. Nothing about it bothers me. Even when I have just finished my hardest session - my thoughts are never negative. I am always thinking - gees I feel strong. I like knowing that others see me as competition in the water - I always have. I like knowing that when people hear my name in and around the pools they think 'man, she's a good swimmer'. It's a buzz for me and makes me realise that I still have it. I am still a force to be reckoned with.
- My cycling continues to get better. My legs feel more powerful on each revolution and I feel the benefits of having a new bike and attending spin class. When I look back to how scared I was on that first ride and how unable I was to maintain a good tempo - I realise I have come along way. However, I am also doing battle once again with wondering how my back will hold up over a long ride.
- Is it possible to be classed as both the 'tortoise and the hare' in any one race? What does that make me? A tortare. I told you I was having random thoughts.