Yesterday was one of those 'lightbulb over the head' days. Not for any one particular reason but for many small reasons. My brain was just firing random thoughts and funnily enough they were all making huge sense. Some were not good and others were like 'hell yeah' thoughts. So I will try to explain:
- I think that no matter what I do or how much I strengthen my core or how many injections I have, my back will always be an issue. Clearly, these second lot of injections have not worked. I can still feel my nerve upon laying flat on my back or bending over for any period of time. Did I think that I would be free from it all if I stayed really diligent with everything I was told to do? - YES. Do I think that it's not fair that this may just be the cross that I will have to bear? - YES. But upon reassessing my thought's before they spiralled way out of control, I started wondering what makes me so special to think that I should be free from any troubles, ever. People the whole world over have issues and drama's that they have to live with daily, I am not any more special then they are. I just have to accept and make the best of it. Accepting and embracing my condition is not failure, it is being smart. I am expending too much energy constantly fighting this battle and trying to win, maybe learning to show my aches and pains and show that I have my weaknesses is what it is all about. Showing my vulnerabilities to myself is what it's all about.
- I attempted another walk/run yesterday and although I felt good, I am starting to wonder if my attempts at this running thing are futile. I think this is my fourth attempt at trying to master the art of this sport and everytime I do - something happens. Maybe it's all about just trying to hang on - with white knuckle grip to my 70.3 dream and seeing it through and then that's it. I've not known anyone to have as many drama's as me when it comes to running. I mean it would be good if all Tri's were just 2.5km in run distance but they are not. I could stick to doing those but that's not what I enjoy. I enjoy the thrill of pushing myself, to see how far I can get. But am I trying too hard to realise a dream? And at what cost?
- Swimming, has and always will be my strength. Nothing about it bothers me. Even when I have just finished my hardest session - my thoughts are never negative. I am always thinking - gees I feel strong. I like knowing that others see me as competition in the water - I always have. I like knowing that when people hear my name in and around the pools they think 'man, she's a good swimmer'. It's a buzz for me and makes me realise that I still have it. I am still a force to be reckoned with.
- My cycling continues to get better. My legs feel more powerful on each revolution and I feel the benefits of having a new bike and attending spin class. When I look back to how scared I was on that first ride and how unable I was to maintain a good tempo - I realise I have come along way. However, I am also doing battle once again with wondering how my back will hold up over a long ride.
- Is it possible to be classed as both the 'tortoise and the hare' in any one race? What does that make me? A tortare. I told you I was having random thoughts.
Sorry to hear your second round didn't do it..and it's ok to feel bad about it. You are entitled to feel disappointed, especially b/c you have a really good perspective on it. Don't throw in the towel on running...keep searching for the solution!
ReplyDeleteIf you can run short, then you can also eventually run long, just have to figure out how!
ReplyDeleteI've battled back issues and have tried almost everything (except voodoo). Sometimes it is better and sometimes it is worse but I doubt it will ever be perfect. With that mindset, figuring out what you can do where you are at that time is key and challenge.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you are up for that challenge. Keep at it.
I'm so sorry that you're still dealing with your back issues. But, I think accepting that you may always have back issues is actually a good thing. Like you said, you just have to figure out what you goal is and what you're willing to put up with to reach that goal.
ReplyDeleteOh, and your comment about being both a tortoise and a hare in a race...that's totally me. Except I'm the tortoise when it comes to swimming and the hare when it comes to running. We're opposites! :)
Hey Barbara,
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely nothing wrong with a bit of reality and I applaud the fact that you are not being negative about it - being negative would be an easy trap to fall into.
My uncle (now in late 70s) had a back operation go wrong when he was in his 30s. He hasn't been physically able to stand up since. He still swims 2 miles a day every day and loves it!
I know I couldn't swim like you do and it's amazing to hear your achievements. If you ever want to do the swim and bike part of a Tri, I'll do the running for you :-)
Eoin
misszippy: I will try to find some other solution. For the time being I am thinking it may just have to be the 2km walk runs for now and for a while till things settle down.
ReplyDeleteKovas: true. When you find out please shoot me an e-mail.
RockStarTri: Your right, what a wave it is. The good days are good and the bad days are well BAD. Finding whats right on the day is definately the key.
Aimee: Confronting this head on is the only way I know how.
Eoin: You are a gem and I may just take you up on that when I have reached my 70.3 goal. I think I should be ok to do the smaller Sprint Tri's, but an Olympic Tri would be awesome to do as a team. Mmmmmm, food for thought. I have a smile, thankyou.
Hmmm! you are being a little hard on yourself! If you were awesome at all 3 you would be in Kona already! Suck it up darling! :) Like every triathlete, something is going to be out achilles, we can not be great at all disciplines. You have 246 days to your race, you will make huge progress before then. If you over think it and try to force the progress you will be injured. Great that you are accepting the back issue, do the same for your training for the run and it will become simpler and the results will come. Honestly!
ReplyDeletesorry for your troubles.wish there was an easy fix for you but of course there isn't. you were looking for a challenge and triathlon & your back have given you one. no idea what the right path is for you but I know you will take the challenge on and succeed. stay strong
ReplyDeleteIt's so frustrating when the mind is willing (and determined) but the body is week. Don't give up - depending on what the back issue is, it can be self-limiting. I had a lot of back issues in my late 30s/early 40s but can now run without pain. It took lots of physio, exercise (esp core stuff) and diligence but it all came good in the end.
ReplyDelete